I have found in my family that I had to heal a bit before I could have a healthy connection as a daughter, sister, and aunt. I think this is valuable to mention for young women preparing for the vocation of marriage. I can understand now how good health is a prerequisite to becoming the family members we need to be.
I don't know, my grandmother (now in her 80s) never baked, hated cooking and all homemaking things.
On the other hand, my mom was self taught or learned from friends. Someone taught her cross-stitch, she took knitting lessons at the library and she learned how to cook on the fly as a newlywed.
And I grew up learning from her. She taught me cross-stitch, how to cook and bake, how to iron my clothes and clean a house.
I only ever had one grand parent alive. Spent quite a lot of time with her. What makes me sad tho now, is how many older adults that aren’t ill are just giving up hope on America and just sick back and do nothing.
My pastor said his grandma (Im assuming Greatest Generation) would say “I’m not retiring, I’m reFIRE-ing!” Where are the elders like that now?!?
For most Gen X I have known, the parents got divorced in the 70s and 80s. Most remarried. Children scattered. Parents didn’t move to be near us, and often they live near their new stepfamilies. Neither of my children’s grandmothers ever took care of my children… One in poor health on another continent and the other focused on her career.
That's an interesting point and explains how so many of our villages are in disarray. Broken families and a feeling of displacement, home is nowhere so it is everywhere...
My paternal grandparents left their families behind forever when they immigrated to the U.S. They raised their kids without grandparents. Maternal grandmother immigrated with her parents and so did not experience grandparents. We were lucky to have grandparents to visit at least a couple times a year; almost all their own kids moved to other cities and states. My parents moved us five times as we were growing up, but we didn't live more than 5 hours driving time away from them. Now my own three sons live in other towns, the furthest is 4 hours away. In most cases, I cannot share my deepest, hard-earned knowledge with them because the the DIL's don't want to hear anything from me that makes them anxious, such as the importance of researching vaccines, and not feeding processed snacks at all hours of the day...
Hang on a mo. I'm a sub and I see a LOT of shop classes. I'm subbing in a cabinetry class right now. (It's ok; they're watching a movie.) I've subbed in hospitality schools in Vegas where the kitchens were as big as a lobby; yesterday, I was in an early childhood education class. Not every school can afford these things, but at least they exist. Welding, auto repair, pottery, all kinds of classes are still around in high schools.
My only quarrel with it is that some kids should be allowed to train for a career as early as 8th grade.
As for the suburbs, it just doesn't seem practical to shove everyone into downtown areas. In fact, it would be impossible. Our country just keeps growing.
Our parents- my parents- were excited to move to a new house in the 'burbs. As for me, when I'm in Vegas, if I don't have my GPS, I'm toast. My phone is also how I pick up assignments, and I even bought our house by phone. All but the notary.
I remember my grandparents fondly. I think they teach us wisdom often without even trying. I used to love listening to their stories and even now I love sitting with the elderly, not just because I cared for my Dad until recently, but also because I genuinely love stepping into their innocent timeless world. I had a lovely bubble with my Dad for the last few years. I stepped into his world. His ways would take me back in time and in turn, bring back memories of my Grannie’s cooking and all the fun we had when we went to visit. Life seemed simpler then. Grannie showed me the basics of cooking. Grandad taught me the basics of gardening and woodwork. I wish I had learnt more skills from them. They were gifted people who made a lot of things themselves. That’s what people did back then.
I have waffled on for long enough but I love this post. I would love to have half the skills my grandparents had. It would be great to see kids off screens and digging in the garden or learning how to plane wood in their grandfather’s workshop instead of wasting precious time doom scrolling.
I'm hearing a lot about this lately. Isn't there a happy medium? My paternal grandmother was a businesswoman in partnership with her hubby- they had a clothing store for 40 some years. I had a fun Gramma in that I got LOTS of clothes. But they lived in Kansas, my other grandmother lived in Sherman Oaks, and we moved around a lot. This is mid-century stuff. I'm a boomer.
My own mom helped raise my nephew. We loved having him around. But she wanted to get back to ice skating and relatives gave her a hard time about it, including my dad. He got to do whatever he wanted- remarry, sail his boat, whatever- but my mom was supposed to stay home.
The fractured family started long ago. All we've heard for decades is that we're supposed to take care of ourselves, too. Now adult kids are yanking kids away from grandparents because of politics. Families move. My adult cousins with a total of at least 6 kids between them, have both moved across country from their surviving parent, who remarried.
Retirees move, too. They moved to friendlier, or sunnier places, or places with medical care, or places where the neighbors are their age group. Their kids probably already moved away.
Sometimes, no one can even stand Grandma. She is still a mother in-law. Or she has to compete with the other grandma.
Seems like all this Grandma yearning has some basis in fact, but is a fantasy that won't come back any time soon. Americans are always on the move.
All valid points, and many of us are certainly living mobile, even transient lives these days. Still it is a good idea to stop and reflect, where are we coming from, where are we going? What messages are we sending to our children and grandchildren about our expectations of a shared future? These answers will of course vary greatly based on personal circumstance, but I think talking about this is important. It takes a village, or at least it used to take a village, to raise children. Now it is an e-village. I want the old one back.
The lockdown era exacerbated all the negative impacts on extended families begun in the USA after WW2 when the American Dream became G.I. Bill to fund a college education and a VA loan with 0% down to buy a 2-3 bed/1-2 bath “starter” home in the suburbs. No room in those single family houses for paid household staff, cousins, grandparents or the fun widowed aunt. Heck, the subdivision developers didn’t build “affordable” one bedroom cottages on those checkerboard parcels! Add the interstate highway system expanding the suburbs plus most schools ending home ec and shop classes by the 1970s, and the majority of USA citizens growing up became concreted push-button silo brains far away from extended famines, village life, agricultural lands or a home kitchen with meals cooked from scratch. Add the “pill” becoming legal for all USA women in 1974 and that plus new antibiotics against STDs and it’s “free” (no responsibility) sex for all and birth rates wither.
So, here we are with most adults under age 50 and their children clueless about where the Sun rises and sets, have never tasted a tree-ripe peach, can’t cook an egg, nor how to navigate anywhere without a “smart” phone with GPS mapping. That “smart” is an acronym for “Self- Monitoring, Analysis and Reporting Technology” (the “S” once stood for “surveillance”) as in dumbing down the humans to be reliant on ever more technology in their daily life. Tech designed to be obsolete after a few years to force all to buy an “upgrade.”
Therefore, ignore grandparents and other elders’ knowledge and hard won generational wisdom for daily living and rely instead on for-profit corp tech suited for eternal child brains with zero delayed gratification ability. Push some buttons and DoorDash brings your next meal! Push other buttons and let the iPad distract the fussy toddler! Let a robot car you rent drive you everywhere!
Glad to be old enough to have been taught by older relatives how to cook, clean, sew, grow food, drive a stick shift car, camp in the wilderness for a week, know the value of old family traditions, etc.
Most of us would love to have it back, but my point was, I'm not sure we ever had it to begin with, unless you're talking about a rural family with 3 generations living in a house or on property. In which case, Grandma often took to her bed with an undefined 'illness' just to get a much needed break.
My parents (as kids) left Europe in the early 1950s, leaving their own parents behind in Europe. When i was growing up, we didn't live in the same city as either set of grandparents but my mom made sure we knew how to do basic sewing and cooking, in spite of her own full time job (because those were her hobbies). Dad made sure my sister and I knew how to use a hammer and change a flat tire, among other essential household tasks. I don't think all these inherited skills need to come from grandparents.
Certainly parents can and should teach their children these and other skills. I think the point that Elisabeth is making is that there is an irreplicable reservoir of knowledge and understanding in our elders, and that by reconnecting the generations, we can help them transmit their knowledge and give their grandchildren an opportunity to get to know them and repay their love by giving their own.
Not everyone has this opportunity, of course. I never knew any of my grandparents except for my paternal grandmother, as my grandfathers died in WWII, my mother’s mother died shortly therafter and my father’s mother was the only one remaining. I wish I could have met them all. I try to connect my children with their living grandparents as frequently as possible. Every minute is a precious, ephemeral gift.
Speaking of the evillage, that's where it comes in handy. Before the internet, it was letters and phone calls, and maybe once yearly visits. My niece's family all lives in Spain.
I think part of it comes from family values. My husband's grandparents were a big part of his life and they were still active and independent when my son came into the world. We prioritized visits with them (my MIL is... flaky). We prioritized visits to my parents as well. "Vacation" has meant "family visit with chaos" for so long that we actually don't know how to "vacation" the way travel ads suggest 😅.
That is really nice, but there's an implied criticism that other people don't have 'family' values if they don't do the same. I think people, who may have no other choices, feel left out of the value thing when we phrase it that way.
NOT all of us are selfish! And, I might add, in the case of a couple of daughters by marriage; we had to TEACH those moms that grandparents ARE indeed necessary and wanted. We keep firm family dinners and holidays that everyone is expected to be at.. and after a couple of years of seeing how "their children" responded to huge get togethers with cousins and aunts and uncles all about; they too LOVE being part of the village. ♥️
I have found in my family that I had to heal a bit before I could have a healthy connection as a daughter, sister, and aunt. I think this is valuable to mention for young women preparing for the vocation of marriage. I can understand now how good health is a prerequisite to becoming the family members we need to be.
I don't know, my grandmother (now in her 80s) never baked, hated cooking and all homemaking things.
On the other hand, my mom was self taught or learned from friends. Someone taught her cross-stitch, she took knitting lessons at the library and she learned how to cook on the fly as a newlywed.
And I grew up learning from her. She taught me cross-stitch, how to cook and bake, how to iron my clothes and clean a house.
I only ever had one grand parent alive. Spent quite a lot of time with her. What makes me sad tho now, is how many older adults that aren’t ill are just giving up hope on America and just sick back and do nothing.
My pastor said his grandma (Im assuming Greatest Generation) would say “I’m not retiring, I’m reFIRE-ing!” Where are the elders like that now?!?
For most Gen X I have known, the parents got divorced in the 70s and 80s. Most remarried. Children scattered. Parents didn’t move to be near us, and often they live near their new stepfamilies. Neither of my children’s grandmothers ever took care of my children… One in poor health on another continent and the other focused on her career.
That's an interesting point and explains how so many of our villages are in disarray. Broken families and a feeling of displacement, home is nowhere so it is everywhere...
My paternal grandparents left their families behind forever when they immigrated to the U.S. They raised their kids without grandparents. Maternal grandmother immigrated with her parents and so did not experience grandparents. We were lucky to have grandparents to visit at least a couple times a year; almost all their own kids moved to other cities and states. My parents moved us five times as we were growing up, but we didn't live more than 5 hours driving time away from them. Now my own three sons live in other towns, the furthest is 4 hours away. In most cases, I cannot share my deepest, hard-earned knowledge with them because the the DIL's don't want to hear anything from me that makes them anxious, such as the importance of researching vaccines, and not feeding processed snacks at all hours of the day...
Hang on a mo. I'm a sub and I see a LOT of shop classes. I'm subbing in a cabinetry class right now. (It's ok; they're watching a movie.) I've subbed in hospitality schools in Vegas where the kitchens were as big as a lobby; yesterday, I was in an early childhood education class. Not every school can afford these things, but at least they exist. Welding, auto repair, pottery, all kinds of classes are still around in high schools.
My only quarrel with it is that some kids should be allowed to train for a career as early as 8th grade.
As for the suburbs, it just doesn't seem practical to shove everyone into downtown areas. In fact, it would be impossible. Our country just keeps growing.
Our parents- my parents- were excited to move to a new house in the 'burbs. As for me, when I'm in Vegas, if I don't have my GPS, I'm toast. My phone is also how I pick up assignments, and I even bought our house by phone. All but the notary.
I remember my grandparents fondly. I think they teach us wisdom often without even trying. I used to love listening to their stories and even now I love sitting with the elderly, not just because I cared for my Dad until recently, but also because I genuinely love stepping into their innocent timeless world. I had a lovely bubble with my Dad for the last few years. I stepped into his world. His ways would take me back in time and in turn, bring back memories of my Grannie’s cooking and all the fun we had when we went to visit. Life seemed simpler then. Grannie showed me the basics of cooking. Grandad taught me the basics of gardening and woodwork. I wish I had learnt more skills from them. They were gifted people who made a lot of things themselves. That’s what people did back then.
I have waffled on for long enough but I love this post. I would love to have half the skills my grandparents had. It would be great to see kids off screens and digging in the garden or learning how to plane wood in their grandfather’s workshop instead of wasting precious time doom scrolling.
Deep sigh! Here’s to reconnecting generations.
I'm hearing a lot about this lately. Isn't there a happy medium? My paternal grandmother was a businesswoman in partnership with her hubby- they had a clothing store for 40 some years. I had a fun Gramma in that I got LOTS of clothes. But they lived in Kansas, my other grandmother lived in Sherman Oaks, and we moved around a lot. This is mid-century stuff. I'm a boomer.
My own mom helped raise my nephew. We loved having him around. But she wanted to get back to ice skating and relatives gave her a hard time about it, including my dad. He got to do whatever he wanted- remarry, sail his boat, whatever- but my mom was supposed to stay home.
The fractured family started long ago. All we've heard for decades is that we're supposed to take care of ourselves, too. Now adult kids are yanking kids away from grandparents because of politics. Families move. My adult cousins with a total of at least 6 kids between them, have both moved across country from their surviving parent, who remarried.
Retirees move, too. They moved to friendlier, or sunnier places, or places with medical care, or places where the neighbors are their age group. Their kids probably already moved away.
Sometimes, no one can even stand Grandma. She is still a mother in-law. Or she has to compete with the other grandma.
Seems like all this Grandma yearning has some basis in fact, but is a fantasy that won't come back any time soon. Americans are always on the move.
All valid points, and many of us are certainly living mobile, even transient lives these days. Still it is a good idea to stop and reflect, where are we coming from, where are we going? What messages are we sending to our children and grandchildren about our expectations of a shared future? These answers will of course vary greatly based on personal circumstance, but I think talking about this is important. It takes a village, or at least it used to take a village, to raise children. Now it is an e-village. I want the old one back.
The lockdown era exacerbated all the negative impacts on extended families begun in the USA after WW2 when the American Dream became G.I. Bill to fund a college education and a VA loan with 0% down to buy a 2-3 bed/1-2 bath “starter” home in the suburbs. No room in those single family houses for paid household staff, cousins, grandparents or the fun widowed aunt. Heck, the subdivision developers didn’t build “affordable” one bedroom cottages on those checkerboard parcels! Add the interstate highway system expanding the suburbs plus most schools ending home ec and shop classes by the 1970s, and the majority of USA citizens growing up became concreted push-button silo brains far away from extended famines, village life, agricultural lands or a home kitchen with meals cooked from scratch. Add the “pill” becoming legal for all USA women in 1974 and that plus new antibiotics against STDs and it’s “free” (no responsibility) sex for all and birth rates wither.
So, here we are with most adults under age 50 and their children clueless about where the Sun rises and sets, have never tasted a tree-ripe peach, can’t cook an egg, nor how to navigate anywhere without a “smart” phone with GPS mapping. That “smart” is an acronym for “Self- Monitoring, Analysis and Reporting Technology” (the “S” once stood for “surveillance”) as in dumbing down the humans to be reliant on ever more technology in their daily life. Tech designed to be obsolete after a few years to force all to buy an “upgrade.”
Therefore, ignore grandparents and other elders’ knowledge and hard won generational wisdom for daily living and rely instead on for-profit corp tech suited for eternal child brains with zero delayed gratification ability. Push some buttons and DoorDash brings your next meal! Push other buttons and let the iPad distract the fussy toddler! Let a robot car you rent drive you everywhere!
Glad to be old enough to have been taught by older relatives how to cook, clean, sew, grow food, drive a stick shift car, camp in the wilderness for a week, know the value of old family traditions, etc.
💯
Most of us would love to have it back, but my point was, I'm not sure we ever had it to begin with, unless you're talking about a rural family with 3 generations living in a house or on property. In which case, Grandma often took to her bed with an undefined 'illness' just to get a much needed break.
My parents (as kids) left Europe in the early 1950s, leaving their own parents behind in Europe. When i was growing up, we didn't live in the same city as either set of grandparents but my mom made sure we knew how to do basic sewing and cooking, in spite of her own full time job (because those were her hobbies). Dad made sure my sister and I knew how to use a hammer and change a flat tire, among other essential household tasks. I don't think all these inherited skills need to come from grandparents.
They don't, for sure. Sometimes they come from brothers or sisters or aunts or uncles or even neighbors.
Certainly parents can and should teach their children these and other skills. I think the point that Elisabeth is making is that there is an irreplicable reservoir of knowledge and understanding in our elders, and that by reconnecting the generations, we can help them transmit their knowledge and give their grandchildren an opportunity to get to know them and repay their love by giving their own.
Not everyone has this opportunity, of course. I never knew any of my grandparents except for my paternal grandmother, as my grandfathers died in WWII, my mother’s mother died shortly therafter and my father’s mother was the only one remaining. I wish I could have met them all. I try to connect my children with their living grandparents as frequently as possible. Every minute is a precious, ephemeral gift.
Speaking of the evillage, that's where it comes in handy. Before the internet, it was letters and phone calls, and maybe once yearly visits. My niece's family all lives in Spain.
I think part of it comes from family values. My husband's grandparents were a big part of his life and they were still active and independent when my son came into the world. We prioritized visits with them (my MIL is... flaky). We prioritized visits to my parents as well. "Vacation" has meant "family visit with chaos" for so long that we actually don't know how to "vacation" the way travel ads suggest 😅.
That is really nice, but there's an implied criticism that other people don't have 'family' values if they don't do the same. I think people, who may have no other choices, feel left out of the value thing when we phrase it that way.
NOT all of us are selfish! And, I might add, in the case of a couple of daughters by marriage; we had to TEACH those moms that grandparents ARE indeed necessary and wanted. We keep firm family dinners and holidays that everyone is expected to be at.. and after a couple of years of seeing how "their children" responded to huge get togethers with cousins and aunts and uncles all about; they too LOVE being part of the village. ♥️
The most selfish generation ever: a whole population echoing the Sun King: “apres moi, le deluge.”