More parents are reporting that their children blame their mothers for childhood “traumas” and other negative experiences from their childhood or present day. Children of all ages bring up seemingly insignificant issues, call it trauma, then blame mom for their inability to cope with it.
I’ve been an Affirming Reality parent coach with Gabrielle Clark for more than 18 months. We coach non-affirming parents of children who reject their sex. In recent months, more of our clients have young adult children than tweens and young teens. This has given us a broader perspective on the impact sex rejection has on families.
Still, there is a common theme that we’ve noticed in both age groups.
More parents are reporting that their children blame their mothers for childhood “traumas” and other negative experiences from their childhood or present day. Children of all ages bring up seemingly insignificant issues, call it a trauma, then blame mom for their inability to cope with it.
It could be as simple as discipline for not doing a chore.
I’m not talking about discipline in the form of physical or verbal abuse. These children are reporting that any discipline is being called trauma-inducing. One mother shared that her daughter recalled a “traumatic” memory when mom took her privileges away for not putting away her laundry.
Another mother reported that her adult son became disrespectful and cut off communication with her after she asked him to take on more responsibility around the house.
Our clients’ children also fault their mothers for negative childhood experiences, unrelated to discipline. One mother said her child told her that their therapist helped them realize that it was burdensome and traumatizing to help with household chores, miss out on fun activities, and support their mother while she was seriously ill. Another child told her mother that she was traumatized by having a fire alarm go off in preschool, but mom telling her that she would be okay wasn’t supportive enough. The mother didn’t even remember the event or realize that it was so traumatic for her daughter.
These mothers are simply doing what most good parents do.
They require their children to take responsibility, then dish out a consequence when the child doesn’t follow through. Others ask their children to help or cope with life events. They believe they were appropriately supportive. Even if they didn’t handle it perfectly, they weren’t neglectful or abusive.
Still, their children blame mothers for their inability to cope, and seemingly carry that grief with them for years.
The trans movement exhibits all the features of a cult. Cults intentionally cut their members off from loving family members and friends, especially those who aren’t “believers.” It’s easy to break up families when a child disconnects from the most nurturing person in their life. Their mom.
In all of these cases, the child has a strained relationship with their mother. The younger children butt heads with their mother and throw tantrums. The older children throw tantrums, too. They may not answer text messages or phone calls in a timely manner, or they just ghost their mothers altogether, while maintaining relationships with their fathers. Strangely, it happens even if the child comes out to their mother but not their father.
But why is this happening?
Could affirming therapists be intentionally encouraging their patients to attribute their psychological and emotional problems to experiences with their mothers?
Our working belief is that this resentment for mothers is influenced by the trans cult. The trans movement exhibits all the features of a cult. Cults intentionally cut their members off from loving family members and friends, especially those who aren’t “believers.” It’s easy to break up families when a child disconnects from the most nurturing person in their life. Their mom. We suspect that people who reject their sex are being coached to break connections with their mother.
We notice this pattern of behavior when the trans-identifying child has been to a trans-affirming therapist, then brings up the issue with their mother after a therapy session. Could affirming therapists be intentionally encouraging their patients to attribute their psychological and emotional problems to experiences with their mothers? We don’t have concrete evidence, but it is common for therapists to ask their clients to recall early-life events and developmental history to help identify the roots of current problems. If trans-affirming therapists are encouraging their patients to attribute their problems to their relationship with their non-affirming mother, it would fall in line with cult behavior.
Can you imagine dedicating your entire life to raising a child only to have them grow up and resent you? Not only are these children rejecting their sex and the name you gave them, but they are also rewriting the past and rejecting you.
Still, kids who aren’t in therapy are exhibiting these behaviors as well. We know that device and social media addiction are key reasons for sex rejection. Social media has an endless supply of affirming information that discourages maintaining family connections, especially when parents are “transphobes.”
When I posted about this on X, I received many comments from parents who could relate.
Of course, it is difficult for mothers to endure.
Understandably, mothers who stayed home and also homeschooled their kids take this hardest. Can you imagine dedicating your entire life to raising a child only to have them grow up and resent you? Not only are these children rejecting their sex and the name you gave them, but they are also rewriting the past and rejecting you.
As mothers ourselves, it is painful to witness, but it is our job to help parents guide their children to reality. Mothers caught in this emotional train wreck of having a trans-identifying child can’t see past the hurt to be effective guides. Focusing 100% of your energy on desisting and de-transing your kid is extremely stressful, and it is unproductive if you aren’t psychologically healthy.
So, if you are a mother experiencing this, how do you navigate it?
Your first order of business is to listen and help them see another perspective, all while never letting them see you sweat.
Don’t show anger or defensiveness when they tell you their discovery.
Acknowledge their emotions and ask them clarifying questions to find out exactly what they mean.
Actively listen and show empathy.
Just allow them time to express their feelings and explain their perspective.
Then, let them know that you never thought about it that way. You do not need to agree with them or allow them to rewrite history. Instead, use the opportunity to show their resilience and growth from the experience.
This gives them a positive perspective to consider.
Youth who reject their sex use it as a maladaptive coping strategy. Observing parents who cope well provides a model for them.
Next, Mama, get a life. First, get out of parent groups that talk about this issue. The successful parents are not in these groups. The parents who are there aren’t successful with desistance. They ruminate on the negative behaviors and the pain. That is anxiety-provoking and depressing.
Second, find some activities that have nothing to do with helping your kids.
Do something exhilarating and just plain fun.
Also, take care of your health and appearance.
Focus on your health and nutrition. Exercise.
Get your hair and nails done.
Do whatever you once did to make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer, reconnect with your spouse, enjoy time with family and friends, and love on the other children.
They need you too.
If moms are not successful doing this on their own, our third recommendation is therapy. We often have to direct mothers to a therapist so they can benefit from our coaching. Desistance coaching is more effective when parents can fully engage and participate.
But the most important part of having mom rejuvenated and healthy is that the kids notice the difference. Why is this important? For one, they learn that mom’s life doesn’t revolve around them. That is a reality check they need to face. Also, they witness you demonstrating resilience and healthy coping. Youth who reject their sex use it as a maladaptive coping strategy. Observing parents who cope well provides a model for them.
In conclusion, the emotional journey that mothers of trans-identifying children face is undeniably complex and painful. The observed patterns of blame and resentment highlight the significant impact of external influences, including affirming therapists and social media, on family dynamics. As parents, it is crucial to foster open communication and understanding while gently challenging the narratives being pushed by these external forces.
By focusing on healthy relationships and reality-based guidance, mothers can navigate this difficult landscape with resilience. It is essential to remember that they are not alone in their struggles and that nurturing a supportive environment is key to healing and reconnection within the family.